Every month on our site, Jo Miller, CEO of Women’s Leadership Coaching Inc., will answer your career and leadership questions. Please send your question to advice@anitaborg.org and it may be answered in an upcoming column.

Question: How can I communicate negative feedback to my staff without causing hard feelings and resentment? I am a “people pleaser” and tend to take on a lot of responsibility that should probably be shared by others.  I would like to be a better delegator without coming across as “bossy”.

Answer:

I coached a woman a few years ago who called this her ‘disease to please’! Here’s how she found the cure.

You can practice using your authority in non-professional arenas where the stakes are not high. For example, ask for what you want and give clear instructions while using a confident authoritative voice with your family, wait staff, the dry cleaner, the auto mechanic… etc.

You should also practice giving “negative” feedback as frequently as you can, while balancing it with equal amounts of praise where praise is due. Practice this at home, with your spouse/kids/pets, at grocery store, in restaurants and wherever else you can.

Be watchful for how others respond and what impact your words are having on them. Your goal is to get so used to giving instructions and feedback in a matter-of-fact way that it is no longer emotionally charged for you.

For example, when my coaching client was at the beach, someone’s dog ran up to her and peed up against her chair. Using a loud and confident voice, my client stated to the dog and its owner that this was unacceptable! It felt gratifying to use this new-found voice of authority, and she used a similar approach again soon afterwards when the leader of an organization she volunteered with wasted her time and took advantage of her generosity.

Meanwhile, at work, if someone pees on your chair… (just kidding!)

Meanwhile, at work, focus on building deeper, more trusting, respectful relationships with your team members. Until there is trust and respect, you run the risk of them seeing you as a bossy boss who is picking on them. When they trust and respect you, it becomes much easier for them to listen when you deliver clear instructions and “negative” feedback because they know you have high standards and care deeply about their performance and career development. In time they will come to see you as a mentor and coach who is firm but fair, and who cares enough about their future to give them tough love.

A female General Manager recently told me that the kindest, most empowering thing a leader can do for their team is to set clear guidelines and expectations, then give firm, timely feedback if those expectations are not met. Feedback is no longer something negative when you’re a mentor and a coach.

Jo Miller is CEO of Women’s Leadership Coaching Inc. which offers women’s leadership seminars, webinars and coaching programs. To read more of her career advice, visit the Ask Jo archives.

Copyright 2010, Women’s Leadership Coaching Inc.